Why Committed Men Lose Interest, And What You Can Do
In why committed men lose interest we discovered the three crucial commitment factors. Whether his bond is enduring or transient is determined by:
How much he has already committed to you and the relationship. How much time, effort, sacrifice and money.
Is he unlikely to easily meet a new woman, or does every day bring new temptations? Perhaps one of you works away from home, allowing opportunity for a coffee with a colleague to develop into something...
How well do you meet his real needs? Does life with you fill up the "plus" column of his subconscious scoreboard?
In a minute we're going to look at specific ways you can gently influence these factors, helping you both build a stronger relationship.
But this takes time. What if a crisis is approaching now? What if he's already clearly losing interest?
The surprising yet critical response is to let him pull away. All your feminine instincts are telling you to get closer to him and fix the problem. And tragically, if he is already having doubts, crowding him will only make them stronger. If he's having second thoughts, negative thoughts, about you, then more of you is not the answer. Especially not insecure, needy, neurotic you.
Letting him pull away means:
- don't keep trying to talk about it
- don't likewise pull away and be cold
- don't chase
- do stay warm but undemanding
- do focus on yourself
- do reward (not punish) when he turns back to you
Once you're out of crisis mode, here's a way to approach the situation.
Realise you can't force other people to do anything. (This is in fact one of the great secrets to a happy life. I wish I'd realised it sooner.) You can't directly change the way he thinks and feels. If he's losing interest, it's more likely about him than about you. And as you can't do much about him, your only option is to do what you can about you.
Are you sure you are still that inspiring muse who first captured his heart? Take a hard look at yourself and fix any of these that apply
- you've let yourself go physically
- you've lost your sex drive
- you've stopped being fun
- you've lost your self-identity
Be your best self.
OK, now you've brushed up your game, how can you use what we've learned?
You want him to be deeply invested in both the relationship, and you as an individual.
Here's a trivial example. On Christmas Eve my wife and I walk the dog to the local Fish Market, spend an hour fighting over the perfect lobster, and have a beer in the pub on the way home. Mundane, almost too boring to write about. Yet one of many threads gradually weaving a resilient relationship.
remember your joint past
Get your wedding and vacation photos physically printed out and onto the wall. Load them as screensavers and wallpaper onto all your devices.
Build something together. From something as simple as a flower-bed, all the way up to an entrepreneurial business.
train the puppy
It will give you years of happy memories and shared pride-of-ownership.
train the children
Encourage him to get involved. A lot of men actually feel excluded from their children by over-protective mums. It can be hard, but take a step back and let him in.
Have most of your assets in both names (unless there are tax advantages to do otherwise). At the least, have a joint bank account and the house in both your names. Make budgeting and investing decisions together.
This isn't a cynical ploy to make divorcing you more expensive. All these joint investments (financial and non-financial) reframe your minds from "I" to "We".
use his skills
Are there things he likes doing around the home? Ask for his help (even if you can do it without him.
make future plans together
Book next year's concert tickets. Sign up for a course.
Your aim is to encourage him to continue to invest in you. Be clear, this does not mean that you are high-maintenance, but rather that you are high-status.
High-maintenance = needing his attention to feel good about yourself
High-status = feeling good about yourself hence attracting his attention
Show him that you want to be with him for ever, that you've chosen him, but that you don't need him to complete you. For such a woman, a man will continually and naturally make small investments of himself.
Click to learn how to be such a woman. Now.
If your man has few romantic options he's going to be more committed to you.
So kill all the people!
Back in the real world, what can you do? Your best plan is to concentrate on your own options, not on his.
Some women, once they have an interested man, take themselves out of the game. They become house-wives, mothers, best-friends, taxi-drivers. Anything in fact but a PRIZE.
Keep your own options open. Not in the sense of playing teenage jealousy games or flirting with other husbands. But in the sense of remaining a desirable and multi-faceted woman. Not only will this preserve your value in his eyes, but it will enhance your own self-esteem. A virtuous circle develops.
Stay warm and loving.
Show (not tell) him that you remain a worthy catch. A prize he could possibly lose to another man.
Presuming you two are basically compatible, then how do you ensure you are the one that meets his needs?
Although the details vary in hundreds of individual ways, the principle is the same for all men. You should arrange things so that he feels good about you, good about the relationship, and good about himself when he's with you.
Gary Chapman's huge best-seller The 5 Love Languages (Amazon) explains the different ways we all show and feel love. Chances are you and he have a different primary love language; you're keeping the house running, he's wanting quality time to share dreams; he's working crazy hours to provide for the children, you're needing him to come home and join the evening family meal.
If you're loving him in a foreign language, he won't value what you do and won't feel supported and understood. He won't value the relationship, he won't feel you're a team. Read my review, then download from Amazon, and learn how to speak his language.
Men commit to women who inspire them to be their best selves.
This entire site is devoted to explaining what men want in a woman. Click through to get inside his head: